White Girl Complex: A Public Service Announcement

            Yesterday, after parking my old SUV in the lot of the most popular place in any upper-class community, Starbucks, turning off my “Redneck Music” (as M calls it,) and going in to get my pre-work coffee, I made a horrifying realization.  I was surrounded by teenage females suffering from White Girl Complex.

            What?  You’ve never heard of White Girl Complex?  That is simply because it is often times disregarded as “in style” or “totally okay because I woke up late and I might go to the gym later”.  Neither of these statements is true.  It has been proved as of late that White Girl Complex is a legitimate disorder that is simply woefully underdiagnosed and recognized.  But don’t lose hope!  Together, we can determine the symptoms, evaluate our friends and loved ones, work towards and temporary treatment, and then the final and ultimate goal: a cure for White Girl Complex.

            The most important step in this process, and any other, is to find the symptoms and get them recorded.  This is done for two reasons.  One being that it is very important for everyone to be able to spot an afflicted teen, so as to stay away.  The other being that when people suspected of having White Girl Complex are brought to the expert doctors being trained around the world to deal with this devastating disease they can be properly diagnosed and put into isolation.  For the safety of our community, we are publishing a list of symptoms.  If you see a loved one exhibiting any of these signs please report them to your local health service providers for help containing their illness.

Symptoms:

·         Only wearing yoga pants (except when going to yoga)
·         Always having UGGs on no matter how hot it is and how ridiculous they look with the outfit they’re wearing
·         Exclusively owning North Face jackets
·         Enjoy putting on scarves as if these somehow “class up” the I-gave-up-a-long-time-ago-look
·         Having their iPhone glued to their hand at all times
·         Constantly holding a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte
·         Can be seen making ridiculous faces for Snapchat while in public places
·         Fake tan at any time of the year that goes from “lightly sun-kissed” to “went swimming   nacho cheese” depending on how much the tanned admires Snooki

Everyone, thank you for all of your help in stopping this sickness that is ravaging every suburbia across America.  Armed with knowledge and a plan you can help rid the world of this pestilence, and we are counting on you to help us in this fight against White Girl Complex.