White Girl Complex: A Public Service Announcement

            Yesterday, after parking my old SUV in the lot of the most popular place in any upper-class community, Starbucks, turning off my “Redneck Music” (as M calls it,) and going in to get my pre-work coffee, I made a horrifying realization.  I was surrounded by teenage females suffering from White Girl Complex.

            What?  You’ve never heard of White Girl Complex?  That is simply because it is often times disregarded as “in style” or “totally okay because I woke up late and I might go to the gym later”.  Neither of these statements is true.  It has been proved as of late that White Girl Complex is a legitimate disorder that is simply woefully underdiagnosed and recognized.  But don’t lose hope!  Together, we can determine the symptoms, evaluate our friends and loved ones, work towards and temporary treatment, and then the final and ultimate goal: a cure for White Girl Complex.

            The most important step in this process, and any other, is to find the symptoms and get them recorded.  This is done for two reasons.  One being that it is very important for everyone to be able to spot an afflicted teen, so as to stay away.  The other being that when people suspected of having White Girl Complex are brought to the expert doctors being trained around the world to deal with this devastating disease they can be properly diagnosed and put into isolation.  For the safety of our community, we are publishing a list of symptoms.  If you see a loved one exhibiting any of these signs please report them to your local health service providers for help containing their illness.

Symptoms:

·         Only wearing yoga pants (except when going to yoga)
·         Always having UGGs on no matter how hot it is and how ridiculous they look with the outfit they’re wearing
·         Exclusively owning North Face jackets
·         Enjoy putting on scarves as if these somehow “class up” the I-gave-up-a-long-time-ago-look
·         Having their iPhone glued to their hand at all times
·         Constantly holding a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte
·         Can be seen making ridiculous faces for Snapchat while in public places
·         Fake tan at any time of the year that goes from “lightly sun-kissed” to “went swimming   nacho cheese” depending on how much the tanned admires Snooki

Everyone, thank you for all of your help in stopping this sickness that is ravaging every suburbia across America.  Armed with knowledge and a plan you can help rid the world of this pestilence, and we are counting on you to help us in this fight against White Girl Complex. 

If You Give a Girl a Babysitting Job

. . . modeled from "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" by Lauren Numeroff.

If you give a girl a babysitting job she is going to be excited.

If the girl is excited she is going to assume the job will go well.

If she arrives assuming the job will go well the children will sense that she is a newbie to this business.

If the kids sense that she is a newbie to this business they will misbehave.

If the kids misbehave, the parents will call to say "we're having so much fun, we'll just be a few hours late".

If the parents are a few hours late, the girl will have to put the kids to bed.

If the girl tries to put the kids to bed, she will end up realizing that the Poky Little Puppy should die.

If she realizes the Poky Little Puppy should die she will start singing lullabies.

If she starts singing the songs chosen will be questionable as to their appropriateness for children

If the girl sings questionable songs long enough the children will eventually fall asleep

If the children ever fall asleep the girl will sneak out of their room like a cat before collapsing onto their couch and promising herself she will never accept a babysitting job again.

If the girl promises herself she will never accept a babysitting job again the family will arrive home and say "so we have some more dates we need to know if you're interested in".

Seven Steps to Becoming a Pun Master

Hello, I realize that not many of you have considered what joy you could bring to your life and what annoyance and misery you could bring to other peoples' by simply telling puns.  With this thought in mind of simultaneously improving your day and making someone else want to punch you, I present:

Seven Steps to Becoming a Pun Master

Step One.  Fully commit yourself to the art of telling puns.  You have to realize that this isn't a "when I'm in the mood" or "okay this one is actually kind of funny" sort of thing.  Being a pun master means telling every pun that pops into your brain.

Step Two.  Accept that all of your puns are going to be awful.  This is an unavoidable truth.  A pun is a play on words, this in and of itself is simply the Cinderella of jokes had she never have fit her foot into that glass slipper.  Puns are essentially Fruit Rings, the lesser-known, illegitimate brother or Fruit Loops. 

Step Three.  Realize that absolutely no one one will laugh at your pun.  If you do get a laugh it is a pity laugh, and this is even worse.  Glare at this person for making the situation even more awkward than it already was.

Step Four.  Laugh anyways.  Because when no one else is someone has to be, or else it's a failure and you're just the crazy pun person.  Sometimes people will join in; however, as stated above: if this seems like pity laughter.  Glare.

Step Five.  Tell puns everywhere.  I'm serious.  Don't limit yourself to your friends who already think you're crazy and have interventions about your pun-problem, expand your humor to the world.  On the subway in the morning when you happen to see a woman in a cat sweater?  Announce to the car "are you kitten me right meow?"

Step Six: Practice.  The art of telling puns is being able to come up with one in every situation.  The easiest way to practice coming up with puns is by thinking of them during movies or television shows.  I tend to do this at the most climatic parts.  This is also why everyone I have ever watched a movie with hates me.  While it may seem difficult at first you will soon get the hang of it.  For example, while watching the Great Gatsby I came up with the following puns related to Gatsby and Myrtles's deaths:

• Myrtle's death hit them all hard
• But it caused George to just completely crash
• And Tom was a wreck
• Gatsby's death didn't make a splash with his party goers
• But it sent Nick into the deep end

Step Seven.  Take your pun inventing to the real world.  Next time someone mentions koalas bring up how unfair it is that they aren't a bear, considering they have all the "koalifications".  When passing a Butcher's shop be sure to say that not dropping in would be a "missed steak".

Have you followed these steps?  Good.  You too, my friend, are going to be a Pun Master.