Seven Steps to Becoming a Pun Master

Hello, I realize that not many of you have considered what joy you could bring to your life and what annoyance and misery you could bring to other peoples' by simply telling puns.  With this thought in mind of simultaneously improving your day and making someone else want to punch you, I present:

Seven Steps to Becoming a Pun Master

Step One.  Fully commit yourself to the art of telling puns.  You have to realize that this isn't a "when I'm in the mood" or "okay this one is actually kind of funny" sort of thing.  Being a pun master means telling every pun that pops into your brain.

Step Two.  Accept that all of your puns are going to be awful.  This is an unavoidable truth.  A pun is a play on words, this in and of itself is simply the Cinderella of jokes had she never have fit her foot into that glass slipper.  Puns are essentially Fruit Rings, the lesser-known, illegitimate brother or Fruit Loops. 

Step Three.  Realize that absolutely no one one will laugh at your pun.  If you do get a laugh it is a pity laugh, and this is even worse.  Glare at this person for making the situation even more awkward than it already was.

Step Four.  Laugh anyways.  Because when no one else is someone has to be, or else it's a failure and you're just the crazy pun person.  Sometimes people will join in; however, as stated above: if this seems like pity laughter.  Glare.

Step Five.  Tell puns everywhere.  I'm serious.  Don't limit yourself to your friends who already think you're crazy and have interventions about your pun-problem, expand your humor to the world.  On the subway in the morning when you happen to see a woman in a cat sweater?  Announce to the car "are you kitten me right meow?"

Step Six: Practice.  The art of telling puns is being able to come up with one in every situation.  The easiest way to practice coming up with puns is by thinking of them during movies or television shows.  I tend to do this at the most climatic parts.  This is also why everyone I have ever watched a movie with hates me.  While it may seem difficult at first you will soon get the hang of it.  For example, while watching the Great Gatsby I came up with the following puns related to Gatsby and Myrtles's deaths:

• Myrtle's death hit them all hard
• But it caused George to just completely crash
• And Tom was a wreck
• Gatsby's death didn't make a splash with his party goers
• But it sent Nick into the deep end

Step Seven.  Take your pun inventing to the real world.  Next time someone mentions koalas bring up how unfair it is that they aren't a bear, considering they have all the "koalifications".  When passing a Butcher's shop be sure to say that not dropping in would be a "missed steak".

Have you followed these steps?  Good.  You too, my friend, are going to be a Pun Master.